For Immediate Release:
Milwaukee Suburb Attacked by Gigantic Spiders
This intrepid reporter is sounding the alarm! Please send assistance. The spiders are everywhere and they are spreading FAST.
From whence did they come?
Townfolk are brave and are resisting the urge to panic.
Stay Calm and Carry a BIG Spider Stick!!
This is a real website and real advice.
Make a spider stick. Take an stick-shaped object, such as a broom or mop handle, and tie or duct-tape a rag or towel on one end. When you’re finished, you should have a padded end that is shaped like a ball.
- Make sure the rag ball is secured tightly to the stick. You don’t want it falling on the ground when it’s covered in spiders.
- If you wish, you can spray the rag with an insecticide; this would kill any live spiders that you pick up. However, if you’d prefer not to use a chemical, you can skip this; the spiders will get wrapped in their own web anyway.
Approach the spiders in question. Look in the corners where your walls meet the ceiling, under old furniture, and anywhere else you have spiders in your house. You’ll find most spiders hanging out on their webs.
Remove the spiders and their webs. Use the stick to dispatch spiders and remove their webs. Be thorough, since spiders may have laid eggs in their webs that will hatch sooner or later.
- Pin spiders against the wall and press down with the stick.
- Use a spinning motion to wrap the webs around the rag, leaving no shreds hanging.
Throw the rag away. When the job is done, place the rag in a plastic bag, unwrap the tape, and slip it off. Tie the bag and throw it away. Repeat the whole process about every two months, or as often as necessary.
(Obviously this whole post is a joke, but the WikiHOW article is NOT! I think the whole spider killing advice thing is hilarious!!)
Related articles featuring oddly current spider news:
- How Do Spiders Fly for Miles? Mystery Solved (newswatch.nationalgeographic.com)
- Spiders versus cars (infocult.typepad.com)
- Big Ass Spider, Upcoming Film About a Giant Alien Spider Rampaging Los Angeles (laughingsquid.com)